WHAT THE FUCK I SHOT HIM FIFTY BAZILLIONJILLONTRILLIONMILLON TIMESS!
Every two seconds a gamer yells at the top of his lungs these exact words, causing distress and fear in homes everywhere, thanks to the recent global epidemic outbreak that is Call of Duty: Black Ops.
Now I’m not going to ask you for a monthly donation to help cure people of gamer rage don’t worry, although if you feel like funding my copy of Fallout: New Vegas then leave a comment with your details, and pictures if you’re a girl (but let’s be honest there are no girls on the Internet).
With the mass walkout of Infinity Ward employees, Treyarch took up the main reigns of the Call of Duty franchise. What a fucking downgrade. Possibly I am overreacting at the time of writing this but as Al Gore would say (I’m super cereeaal).
Call of Duty: Black Ops feels like a game without that extra edge, a vodka and coke without the vodka, Mario without Luigi (actually that isn’t too bad...), gay space marines without shaved heads!
My main qualm with this game is the downgrade in gun strength and the removal of the Stopping Power Perk. With my favourite weapon being the M16 since Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare I was pleasantly not surprised to see it included in the game, it’s not strongest gun in the game but it does the job with Stopping Power.
My first venture with the M16 began in Hanoi. As I walked through the silent corridors of the base suddenly! An American appears! *Bullet time activated* I quickly aimed down site at his abdomen and let spit my fiery death machine.
The three round bursts sounded so satisfying, but to my shock and fucking awe... he is still alive. Shocked and panicking, I aimed back on the capitalist pig to finish him off firing frantically, but he managed to scramble under cover.
Cue rage: “WHAT THE FUCK I SHOT HIM FIFTY BAZILLIONJILLONTRILLIONMILLON TIMESS!” In the red mist I ran after the fucker and got a fully automatic Galil to the penis (seriously why do people keep on aiming there? And the leg, hold your fucking gun up, we’re not at war with ants).
Luckily the Vietnamese swearing made me lawl (du ma mai! du ma mai! Translation: Fuck your mum! Fuck your mum! roflcopter) and calmed me down and I finished with a positive k/d. The following games after that I suffered the same problem, I raged again after getting killed by magic bullets, which seems to be a staple of the Treyarch team as seen on Call of Duty 5: World at War.
Another bit of beef with the game is the monkey operated servers. No wonder Activision are making a shit load of money, Bobby Kotick is a smart guy, he doesn’t have to pay Christmas bonuses, he just sends bulk orders to the man from Del Monte.
Not being able to join up with friends, grinds my gears, because it was not resolved weeks down the line and still isn’t resolved today! Well just for me I don’t know about all you beautiful trigger happy people out there.
Finally, wager matches. Hosts of the game have an unfair disadvantage of being able to quit and shut down the game completely and getting his money refunded if he finds himself in last place. Host migration doesn’t work because of the shit servers.
I urge you all to support Respawn Entertainment’s (Infinity Ward) new game when it is release or better yet, jump on Counter Strike for a week, drop down the numbers of people playing and give Kotick a heart attack.
Manh Pham (MomoMeh)
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